Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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