She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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