can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We are two peas in an std pod
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
