I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
