I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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