i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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