Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
