My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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