Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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