i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
