Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm too high and old for this...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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