I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
