Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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