I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
