Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
