You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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