girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
