Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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