You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize