So drunk its hurt
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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