never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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