My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
