you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
