dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
