im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
