when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
