Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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