im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Congratulations! We have a period
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
