its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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