I wish I only lived at night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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