I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
