They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
