dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
