Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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