remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You were trust falling into bushes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
