This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
