u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize