So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize