ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
