I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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