good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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