Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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