I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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