I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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