I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
