In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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