I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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