i can't believe i had my finger in that
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
