Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
