i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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