i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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