I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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